It's been nearly two months since I posted anything. We've been on a roller coaster ride during that time. I haven't really known what to share, or how, but I think I'm ready to dive back into the blog-o-sphere.
In October, I posted "Cheaper by the 1/2 Dozen". In that post, I talked a lot about having a large family and what that tends to mean to society. I got a lot of feedback on that post. All from people who felt, as I do, that children ARE a blessing from the LORD, not a burden we can be released from in 18ish years.
Just after Thanksgiving, my wife and I found out that we had lost the baby I was blogging about. She was about 17 weeks along. The baby, they believe, had died a week or two earlier. It was a painful blow.
The truth is, I took it harder than I thought I would. I was depressed for several days and had a hard time communicating with others. I knew I'd be sad, but it took weeks to really start feeling like my old self again. And even now that I'm "on the mend", it's still different somehow.
But why? Why did it hurt so much? Really, I had no relationship with this baby. We'd never met. So why did it hurt so bad?
I think it has something to do with hope. There was a hope, an expectation, that we would meet. There was a hope that he would move from that infant stage into a toddler. There was a hope that he would grip my finger tight and call my name when he was scared. I expected him to grow into a man. There was hope that he would marry and have his own kids. There was a hope that we would know each other on a friend/brother level when he became that man. I expected him to outlive me. There was hope.
When we were at the hospital and they were sorting all this out, that hope began to wane. The vision of that future together began to blur. When it was all said and done, that hope was gone.
When there is no hope, there is nothing to look forward to.
I know some are reading this post who have lived with tragedy and despair in ways I never have. My heart goes out to you. This is the first major loss close to me. I've been insulated in that way.
Yet there is hope.
If you've followed my blog for any length of time, you realize that I'm a follower of Christ. And that is where the hope is. I can't say I really understand what's happened. I don't really see anything in some sort of master plan. I know that God blessed us with another child, and now that child is gone before we really had the chance to get to know him. I know that the loss hurts. I know that I don't want that to happen again. Yet in all that, I also know that there is a God and He cares.
And that's what faith is. I don't know why this happened, but I don't need to know. I can't see the "master plan", but that's because it's not mine to see. My wife and I had to draw a line in the sand and say, out loud to each other, that we will walk with God no matter where He leads.
Is that just a crutch for those of us who are weak? You bet it is.
To see with my heart
To know with my soul
To be guided by a Hand I cannot hold
To trust in a Way that I cannot see
That's what Faith must be
-Michael Card
