Hope

It's been nearly two months since I posted anything.  We've been on a roller coaster ride during that time.  I haven't really known what to share, or how, but I think I'm ready to dive back into the blog-o-sphere.

In October, I posted "Cheaper by the 1/2 Dozen".  In that post, I talked a lot about having a large family and what that tends to mean to society.  I got a lot of feedback on that post.  All from people who felt, as I do, that children ARE a blessing from the LORD, not a burden we can be released from in 18ish years. 

Just after Thanksgiving, my wife and I found out that we had lost the baby I was blogging about.  She was about 17 weeks along.  The baby, they believe, had died a week or two earlier.  It was a painful blow.
The truth is, I took it harder than I thought I would.  I was depressed for several days and had a hard time communicating with others.  I knew I'd be sad, but it took weeks to really start feeling like my old self again.  And even now that I'm "on the mend", it's still different somehow.

But why? Why did it hurt so much?  Really, I had no relationship with this baby.  We'd never met.  So why did it hurt so bad? 

I think it has something to do with hope.  There was a hope, an expectation, that we would meet.  There was a hope that he would move from that infant stage into a toddler.  There was a hope that he would grip my finger tight and call my name when he was scared.  I expected him to grow into a man.  There was hope that he would marry and have his own kids.  There was a hope that we would know each other on a friend/brother level when he became that man.  I expected him to outlive me.  There was hope.

When we were at the hospital and they were sorting all this out, that hope began to wane.  The vision of that future together began to blur.  When it was all said and done, that hope was gone. 

When there is no hope, there is nothing to look forward to.

I know some are reading this post who have lived with tragedy and despair in ways I never have.  My heart goes out to you.  This is the first major loss close to me.  I've been insulated in that way.

Yet there is hope.

If you've followed my blog for any length of time, you realize that I'm a follower of Christ.  And that is where the hope is.  I can't say I really understand what's happened.  I don't really see anything in some sort of master plan.  I know that God blessed us with another child, and now that child is gone before we really had the chance to get to know him.  I know that the loss hurts.  I know that I don't want that to happen again.  Yet in all that, I also know that there is a God and He cares. 

And that's what faith is.  I don't know why this happened, but I don't need to know.  I can't see the "master plan", but that's because it's not mine to see.  My wife and I had to draw a line in the sand and say, out loud to each other, that we will walk with God no matter where He leads.

Is that just a crutch for those of us who are weak?  You bet it is.

To see with my heart
To know with my soul
To be guided by a Hand I cannot hold
To trust in a Way that I cannot see
That's what Faith must be
-Michael Card

Anxious

I know a little something about nervous breakdowns.  It's been a common thread in my family for generations.  It seems to stem from anxiety disorders and depression.  As I talk to people, in an out of my family, I'm shocked at the numbers.  Its incredible how many people have been to the doctor and are on some sort of anti-depressant.  The story tends to go something like this:

•    Really struggling emotionally
•    Went to the Doctor
•    Got some medication
•    Still struggling, but not as much

I've been on the meds too.  I know how it goes.  My dosages had to be increased pretty dramatically because it didn't seem to help.  In fact, I thought it was getting worse. 

I read up a lot on the subject and had some very dear friends who encouraged me.  I started working toward healing...in my own way. 

Now, I need to say this.  If you're struggling and on meds, I am not saying to get off the meds.  That's something between you, God, and your doctor.  Also, because you're on meds, it's probably wise to make sure you include spouses, friends, and family is the decisions.  I also need to point out that I am not suggesting that every person on meds is wrong.  Not so.  Some people needs meds to control their blood pressure, some to control their emotions.  I hope I'm clear on that.

What I found was that there were some basic things that I needed to do in order control my emotions.  First one....stop drinking caffeine.  I quit caffeine for many years and now only drink it in moderation.  I couldn't believe the difference it made.  But I still needed more.

I stopped watching television.  In part because during this time I was too broke to buy one (that made that decision easy!).  But what a difference it made.  I find that now, if I start watching it for any length of time I tend to start getting anxious and afraid.  Sometimes just really down.

I stopped gaming.  I was never a hard-core gamer, but I stopped playing games as a rule.  I was waking up with nightmares at night; sweating, shaking, the whole bit.  I was aggressive.  When I stopped, I calmed down.  The nightmares got better....much better.

I started forcing myself into quiet time.  I turned my radio off when going to work.  Left the job during lunch and just sat at a park, read, or wrote.  I sometimes just sat in my car and was quiet.  I tried to let God speak to me….in His own quiet way.  I started asking God what He wanted from me.
One thing you won't typically find from me is a formula for success.  Things that work for you don't work for me.  I understand that.  But I believe there is a theme in all this; simplicity.

When you read about people in the past, you don't see nearly the evidence of anxiety and depression that you see today.  Now, so I don't get accused of waxing nostalgic and looking for a Golden Era, the statistics show higher incidents of anxiety and depression in the last decade than ever before, especially among the teenage crowd.  Yet what I hear time and time again from people is that they went to the doctor and got meds. 

That's just not enough. 

I think if people are helped to simplify their minds and their lives they find much peace.  Even among Christians it's amazing how many cannot find peace.  Yet wasn't it Jesus who offers us an easy yoke and a light burden?  Joy over-flowing? 

Too many times we look to a cure instead of to a change.  I sat down for lunch one day with a work associate.  We sat down and he took a pill.  He explained that his cholesterol was high and he was taking meds.  He didn't know why it was so high.  Then he ordered a Philly steak and cheese...extra cheese.

While I don't doubt that his high blood pressure was inherited, I have to believe he wasn't helping by ordering the Philly steak and cheese.  I's funny how almost all solutions today end with a pill, or a quick fix, and not with change.  It's like the recent meeting in Copenhagen.  Fossil fuel emissions are polluting the environment at an alarming rate causing many to speculate on Global Warming.  They talked about curbing emissions ($), nuclear energy ($), alternative energies ($), and installing technology to block the suns rays ($$$).  Yet I don't hear too many people at that level talking about driving less, walking more, or riding our bikes.  That's out of the question.  They need to use money to drive solutions that don't require a change to our day to day lives.  We like it that way.

But what if we did look for change?

What if we changed our own lives?  What if we did try to simplify and go back to an older way of living?  How would that impact our health?

No, I don't advocate throwing the baby out with the bathwater and getting rid of all advancement.  But would it be so wrong to look at what I'm doing today and asking how I could simplify?  You will likely find that the things that affect you the most are not the same as mine.  That’s okay.  The question is about what will work for you.

What will you change?